5 Tips for Parents of Teens

Is your teen in revenge mode?  Many teens may seem revengeful when, in fact, they are just displaying annoying, normal teen behaviors.  Taken from the book,

"Redirecting Children's Behavior", you can expect these annoying, NORMAL behaviors from your teen:

•  Anxiety about wanting to leave home and doubting their ability to make it;
•  Anxiety about what they are going to choose for a career; and
  
•  They may make life unbearable for you.

This doesn't mean they are revengeful.  They are just being annoying teenagers.

How do you know if your child is revengeful? When YOU feel hurtful or revengeful toward your child.  This is a very good indication that your child's goal is revenge for some hurt she has suffered.

 

What do you do when your teen's goal is revenge?

 

Before you take any of the following steps you must first resolve to be the first one to stop the hurting back and chose peace.  If you decide you're not ready to chose peace, and continue the war with your child, it's okay.  Just realize that your attempts to discipline your child will become increasingly less effective.

WHEN you chose peace, take these 5 steps to redirect your child's goal of revenge:

 

1. Stop all hurtful actions, words, and punishment.  If we retaliate, even though we may temporarily subdue our child's misbehavior, we will only aggravate the problem.  You won't solve the problem by avoiding retaliation, but neither will you continue to make it worse.

 

2. List five things you love about your child.  You may find it difficult to think about things you love about the child who is hurting you when you feel angry.  However, your attitude about your child will change from negative to more hopeful, and possibly even more positive.  When you have a positive attitude, it is easier to create effective solutions than when you are angry or hurt.

 

3.  Protect yourself from getting hurt.  Sometimes we stay in a situation that is hurtful to us, hoping that things will get better.  Usually if you stay in such a situation you end up feeling hurt and resentful, and even suffering injury.

 

 

A sixteen-year-old boy specialized in frequent obscenities directed at his mother. Usually, she would try to make him stop talking to her like that, which only escalated the problem.  She decided to protect herself by leaving the room the minute he started to say hurtful things to her.

 

 

4. Make amends to the child.  Sometimes, it's difficult to admit you were wrong or to honestly say you're sorry.  Other times, we feel someone else is at fault, and so we aren't going t say we're sorry until the other person does first.  Remember, you're the adult in this situation and your child is learning about relationships from you.  Model the behavior you wish your child to learn.

 

Your child may be so mad at you that he won't allow you to make amends or repair your relationship.  This child may need time.  You may want to say, "I can see that you still want to hurt me.  If you need time to be mad at me, it's ok with me. I'll wait."

 

5.  Reestablish a loving relationship with your child.  Do something to repair the relationship.  Go on a date; do something fun together.  The purpose is for you to get close again.  Do not buy him things to assuage your guilt.

 

In more extreme cases of revenge, there may not be any relationship with him because you are both so hurtful to one another that you don't feel like being in the other's presence.  In this case, it's important that the whole

family see a therapist or counselor.

 

 

The above is an excerpt from "Redirecting Children's Behavior" by Kathryn Kvols, founder, International Network for Children and Families.