What? No Threats, Bribes, Rewards, or Punishment?

July 2, 2007

Simply put, the problem with the Feared Four, TBRP, is:

*Threats and Punishment disrupt your relationship with your child, and don't consistently work to get the results you want.

*Bribes for Rewards set up your child to live in a "What's in it for me?" world, always looking for external motivation. And the stakes just get higher for you to gain cooperation. Punishment, rewards, bribes, and threats belong in an autocratic parenting system and culture. In such a system the parents dole out rewards and punishment according to what is deserved, and the children look forward to being adults to also have this powerful role.

Today, kids have "equal" status, want "equal" status, and demand "equal" status. We parents don't have the "power" we used to have in prior generations, and are not recognized as superior. Thus, use of punishment and reward with our children is futile.

As Dr. Rudolf Dreikurs notes in his book Children, the Challenge, "When we bribe our child for good behavior, we are in effect showing him that we do not trust him, which is a form of discouragement." He goes on to say that "A reward does not give a child a sense of belonging...Satisfaction comes from a sense of contribution and participation. In our mistaken efforts to win cooperation through rewards, we are actually denying our children the basic satisfactions of living."

So, if the Feared Four ARE your complete arsenal right now, don't panic. Below are alternatives you can start using instead.

Through the use of Natural and Logical Consequences you can create a more peaceful household, and help your children become internally motivated, cooperative, and responsible. They will feel a greater sense of belonging and contribution and have less need to misbehave.

Eight-year-old Mary was late to school almost everyday. Mom would coax her through her morning routine from waking her up to getting her out the door. Mornings have been a hassle for Mom since Mary started kindergarten.

What can Mom do with natural and logical consequences?

*First*, with Mary, make a To Do List that Mary can follow to remind her what needs to be done each morning before school. Tell Mary that it will now be her responsibility to get through her list each morning and to let Mom know if she needs help. Mom will be doing her own list.

*Second*, buy Mary her own alarm clock. [Remember, don't coax Mary out of bed after the alarm goes off.This is now her job, not yours. This will be hard so make yourself busy with your own list and it will become easier for you to let the consequences do the teaching.]

*Third*, show Mary what time she needs to get out the door to be on time for school.

*Fourth*, let the system work. Let Mary dawdle, forget her homework, and her lunch, and be late. [This isn't easy because we don't want to be disgraced. And, we want to protect our kids from the embarrassment of being late,and forgetting homework. We most certainly don't want them to miss a meal...not even one! Resist the urge to remind and let them take responsibility for themselves.]

*Fifth*, if after a few days there seems to be no effect, write a note to the teacher enlisting her help.

What is the Natural Consequence of Mary forgetting her homework? She may get a zero, she may have to stay in from recess and do the homework, she may be embarrassed. One of these will probably work to remind Mary to put her homework in her backpack each morning. If not, you may need to use Logical Consequences.

What is the Natural Consequence of Mary being late for school? If a bus is involved, she will have to walk - even if it's far away. If you feel it's unsafe you may drive her to school and use the logical consequence that she can do chores for you after school for the amount of time it takes to go back and forth to school.

Alternatively, you could use the logical consequence that Mary stay home and do chores all day. She won't be late for very many days with this consequence! I have set up a system in my house, through making an agreement, that for every minute I'm waiting in the car they do my chores for 5 minutes after school. I take a book or newspaper out to the car when it's time to go and wait. The first day they spent about 1 1/2 hours after school cleaning. Now it's usually nil.

When using a logical consequence make sure there isn't a trace of punishment...punishment and logical consequences may sometimes seem similar, but the intention is completely different and thus changes the tone. For example, the intention behind punishment might be to get control, and the intention behind a consequence is to teach.

When Mary is late, say in a firm and kind manner,"I will take you to school, and ask that you do chores after school for the amount of time it takes from my day." Mary may complain and rebel. That's ok. Don't react, just be firm and kind. Resist the temptation to say, "If you could just be on time you wouldn't be in this predicament. But, sinceyou can't ever remember I think I'm going to have a very clean house."

Often children misbehave to get us to spend time with them. They are trying to get our attention. Consequences work very well when this is the case.

Eleven-year-old Jordan was always fighting with his six-year-old sister, Haley. Mom punishesJ ordan, "You won't be watching TV for the rest of the day!" And, Mom rescues Haley, "Are you ok? Did Jordan hurt you?"

Jordan is probably trying to get Mom's attention. And, Haley may well have a larger role in their fighting than Mom imagines. Logical consequences work great here. Instead of punishing Jordan and rescuing Haley, Mom can use consequences.

Mom sits down with Jordan and Haley to discuss their behavior. She starts by saying,"I don't want to live in a house where people use force to get their way. I want to live in a peaceful house where people don't hurt eachother." "What I'd like to do is come up with a solution to your fighting. Can you guys help?"

Mom and kids create a list of solutions. Each crosses out the ones they don't like and from the remaining create a solution. They decide on words to use instead of fight like, "Are you done with that? Can I use it now?" or "Can we play with that together?" or "Let's get the timer and set it for 5 minutes. Then we each get a turn."

The key is to let your kids come up with the solution. This, over time, will dissipate their need to misbehave and probably reveal the underlying goal...perhaps Jordan really does want and need more of Mom's attention but isn't able to find a way to ask for it, so he acts out.

At the same time you come up with this solution, agree to a consequence if either FORGETS to use the agreed-upon solution. For example, Jordan and Haley agree to do a make-up and tell one another 2 things they love about each other.
If they are having a hard time coming up with words, it can be very helpful to role play. We use these awesome jungle animal puppets in our house. My kids LOVE the role play and usually end up laughing hysterically when I pretend to be the "whining and crying child." As much fun as we have, they get a very clear idea of the words to use and what it feels like to be on the receiving end of these words...they can tell which are most effective and why.

Your Assignment This Week: First, stop remembering and doing for your child what she can do for herself. Write down a list of 10 things you DO for your child. Pick one of these to stop doing for the week. Give the responsibility to your child. Second, Practice natural and logical consequences. Let the consequences do the teaching and feel the peacefulness start to seep in.


"By Stacey Zawel and Redirecting Children's Behaviorof the South Shore. Visit www.rcbsouthshore.com for additional articles and resources on parenting, care giving, and creating more peace."