Have the Courage to Be Imperfect

To those of us who have children in our lives,

whether they are our own,

grandchildren,

nieces,

nephews,

or students..

here is something to make you chuckle.

Religious, spiritual or not this may lighten your load.

Whenever your children are out of control,
you can take comfort from the thought that
even God's omnipotence did not extend
to His own children.

After creating heaven and earth,
God created Adam and Eve.

And the first thing he said was
'DON'T!'

'Don't what?'
Adam replied.

'Don't eat the forbidden fruit,'
God said.

'Forbidden fruit?
We have forbidden fruit ?
Hey Eve..we have forbidden fruit!'

'No Way!'
'Yes way!'

'Do NOT eat the fruit!'
said God.

'Why?'

'Because I am your Father and I said so!'
God replied, wondering why He hadn't stopped
creation after making the elephants

A few minutes later, God saw His children
having an apple break
and He was ticked!
'Didn't I tell you not to eat the fruit?'
God asked.

'Uh huh,'
Adam replied.

'Then why did you?'
said the Father.

'I don't know,'
said Eve.
'She started it!'
Adam said.

'Did not!'
'Did too!'
'DID NOT!'

Having had it with the two of them,
God's punishment was that Adam and Eve
should have children of their own.
Thus the pattern was set and it has never changed.

If you have persistently and lovingly tried to give
children wisdom and they haven't taken it, don't be hard on yourself.

If God had trouble raising children, what makes you think it would be a piece of cake for you?

5 Tips for Parents of Teens

Is your teen in revenge mode?  Many teens may seem revengeful when, in fact, they are just displaying annoying, normal teen behaviors.  Taken from the book,

"Redirecting Children's Behavior", you can expect these annoying, NORMAL behaviors from your teen:

•  Anxiety about wanting to leave home and doubting their ability to make it;
•  Anxiety about what they are going to choose for a career; and
  
•  They may make life unbearable for you.

This doesn't mean they are revengeful.  They are just being annoying teenagers.

How do you know if your child is revengeful? When YOU feel hurtful or revengeful toward your child.  This is a very good indication that your child's goal is revenge for some hurt she has suffered.

 

What do you do when your teen's goal is revenge?

 

Before you take any of the following steps you must first resolve to be the first one to stop the hurting back and chose peace.  If you decide you're not ready to chose peace, and continue the war with your child, it's okay.  Just realize that your attempts to discipline your child will become increasingly less effective.

WHEN you chose peace, take these 5 steps to redirect your child's goal of revenge:

 

1. Stop all hurtful actions, words, and punishment.  If we retaliate, even though we may temporarily subdue our child's misbehavior, we will only aggravate the problem.  You won't solve the problem by avoiding retaliation, but neither will you continue to make it worse.

 

2. List five things you love about your child.  You may find it difficult to think about things you love about the child who is hurting you when you feel angry.  However, your attitude about your child will change from negative to more hopeful, and possibly even more positive.  When you have a positive attitude, it is easier to create effective solutions than when you are angry or hurt.

 

3.  Protect yourself from getting hurt.  Sometimes we stay in a situation that is hurtful to us, hoping that things will get better.  Usually if you stay in such a situation you end up feeling hurt and resentful, and even suffering injury.

 

 

A sixteen-year-old boy specialized in frequent obscenities directed at his mother. Usually, she would try to make him stop talking to her like that, which only escalated the problem.  She decided to protect herself by leaving the room the minute he started to say hurtful things to her.

 

 

4. Make amends to the child.  Sometimes, it's difficult to admit you were wrong or to honestly say you're sorry.  Other times, we feel someone else is at fault, and so we aren't going t say we're sorry until the other person does first.  Remember, you're the adult in this situation and your child is learning about relationships from you.  Model the behavior you wish your child to learn.

 

Your child may be so mad at you that he won't allow you to make amends or repair your relationship.  This child may need time.  You may want to say, "I can see that you still want to hurt me.  If you need time to be mad at me, it's ok with me. I'll wait."

 

5.  Reestablish a loving relationship with your child.  Do something to repair the relationship.  Go on a date; do something fun together.  The purpose is for you to get close again.  Do not buy him things to assuage your guilt.

 

In more extreme cases of revenge, there may not be any relationship with him because you are both so hurtful to one another that you don't feel like being in the other's presence.  In this case, it's important that the whole

family see a therapist or counselor.

 

 

The above is an excerpt from "Redirecting Children's Behavior" by Kathryn Kvols, founder, International Network for Children and Families.

More Peace - What is a Genuine Encounter?

Go to work, grocery shop, neaten the house, plan
the birthday party, buy a gift for another child's,
baseball practice, soccer practice, CCD,
mow the lawn, pay bills, cook dinner. Sound familiar?

It's hard to find time for a Genuine Encounter
amongst all these things to do. I feel tired
just to writing down this litany of daily life.

How do you find time? You don't. But you can make
time. With your other list of to-do's, add "have
a genuine encounter". This will help you make time
in your day to connect with your child through a
genuine encounter.

What is a genuine encounter? It is togetherness
without thinking about anything else. It's truly
being with your child and connecting from the heart.

I'm reading Eckhart Tolle's book, "A New Earth."
In it, on page 104, under Conscious Parenting is
the following description, which I feel is a great
way to describe a genuine encounter:


"As you look at, listen to, touch, or help your child with this
or that, you are alert, still, completely present, not wanting
anything other than that moment as it is. In this way, you make
room for Being. In that moment, if you are present you are not a
father or a mother. You are alertness, stillness, the Presence
that is listening, looking, touching, even speaking. You are Being
behind the doing.

So, instead of thinking about where you need to get to or
what you need to do in the future that hastens this moment,
which results in impatience and frustration, stop and just
Be in the moment.

What does this look like? Let's say your kindergartener
can't find her shoes, coat, or backpack, and is thus
going to make your other 3 older kids late for school.
Instead of reacting out of frustration, impatience, and
anger knowing that everyone's going to be late, stop and
just be present. Don't react. Help your child figure out
where the items were left and help her gather them. Leave
the house peacefully. In the evening, have a conversation
with your child to figure out ways to help prevent the same
thing from happening again.

Try "Being" out for a day, a week, and even longer. What
I bet you'll notice is your child responds in kind. "Things"
start to run more smoothly.

You will feel connected to your child, your child will feel
connected to you, you aren't nagging and reminding, and your
child doesn't feel pushed, threatened, cajoled, agitated, and
mad. Instead, you'll achieve a kind of routine where drama is
minimized and ease maximized.

Try it out...