Have the Courage to Be Imperfect

To those of us who have children in our lives,

whether they are our own,

grandchildren,

nieces,

nephews,

or students..

here is something to make you chuckle.

Religious, spiritual or not this may lighten your load.

Whenever your children are out of control,
you can take comfort from the thought that
even God's omnipotence did not extend
to His own children.

After creating heaven and earth,
God created Adam and Eve.

And the first thing he said was
'DON'T!'

'Don't what?'
Adam replied.

'Don't eat the forbidden fruit,'
God said.

'Forbidden fruit?
We have forbidden fruit ?
Hey Eve..we have forbidden fruit!'

'No Way!'
'Yes way!'

'Do NOT eat the fruit!'
said God.

'Why?'

'Because I am your Father and I said so!'
God replied, wondering why He hadn't stopped
creation after making the elephants

A few minutes later, God saw His children
having an apple break
and He was ticked!
'Didn't I tell you not to eat the fruit?'
God asked.

'Uh huh,'
Adam replied.

'Then why did you?'
said the Father.

'I don't know,'
said Eve.
'She started it!'
Adam said.

'Did not!'
'Did too!'
'DID NOT!'

Having had it with the two of them,
God's punishment was that Adam and Eve
should have children of their own.
Thus the pattern was set and it has never changed.

If you have persistently and lovingly tried to give
children wisdom and they haven't taken it, don't be hard on yourself.

If God had trouble raising children, what makes you think it would be a piece of cake for you?

5 Tips for Parents of Teens

Is your teen in revenge mode?  Many teens may seem revengeful when, in fact, they are just displaying annoying, normal teen behaviors.  Taken from the book,

"Redirecting Children's Behavior", you can expect these annoying, NORMAL behaviors from your teen:

•  Anxiety about wanting to leave home and doubting their ability to make it;
•  Anxiety about what they are going to choose for a career; and
  
•  They may make life unbearable for you.

This doesn't mean they are revengeful.  They are just being annoying teenagers.

How do you know if your child is revengeful? When YOU feel hurtful or revengeful toward your child.  This is a very good indication that your child's goal is revenge for some hurt she has suffered.

 

What do you do when your teen's goal is revenge?

 

Before you take any of the following steps you must first resolve to be the first one to stop the hurting back and chose peace.  If you decide you're not ready to chose peace, and continue the war with your child, it's okay.  Just realize that your attempts to discipline your child will become increasingly less effective.

WHEN you chose peace, take these 5 steps to redirect your child's goal of revenge:

 

1. Stop all hurtful actions, words, and punishment.  If we retaliate, even though we may temporarily subdue our child's misbehavior, we will only aggravate the problem.  You won't solve the problem by avoiding retaliation, but neither will you continue to make it worse.

 

2. List five things you love about your child.  You may find it difficult to think about things you love about the child who is hurting you when you feel angry.  However, your attitude about your child will change from negative to more hopeful, and possibly even more positive.  When you have a positive attitude, it is easier to create effective solutions than when you are angry or hurt.

 

3.  Protect yourself from getting hurt.  Sometimes we stay in a situation that is hurtful to us, hoping that things will get better.  Usually if you stay in such a situation you end up feeling hurt and resentful, and even suffering injury.

 

 

A sixteen-year-old boy specialized in frequent obscenities directed at his mother. Usually, she would try to make him stop talking to her like that, which only escalated the problem.  She decided to protect herself by leaving the room the minute he started to say hurtful things to her.

 

 

4. Make amends to the child.  Sometimes, it's difficult to admit you were wrong or to honestly say you're sorry.  Other times, we feel someone else is at fault, and so we aren't going t say we're sorry until the other person does first.  Remember, you're the adult in this situation and your child is learning about relationships from you.  Model the behavior you wish your child to learn.

 

Your child may be so mad at you that he won't allow you to make amends or repair your relationship.  This child may need time.  You may want to say, "I can see that you still want to hurt me.  If you need time to be mad at me, it's ok with me. I'll wait."

 

5.  Reestablish a loving relationship with your child.  Do something to repair the relationship.  Go on a date; do something fun together.  The purpose is for you to get close again.  Do not buy him things to assuage your guilt.

 

In more extreme cases of revenge, there may not be any relationship with him because you are both so hurtful to one another that you don't feel like being in the other's presence.  In this case, it's important that the whole

family see a therapist or counselor.

 

 

The above is an excerpt from "Redirecting Children's Behavior" by Kathryn Kvols, founder, International Network for Children and Families.

More Peace - What is a Genuine Encounter?

Go to work, grocery shop, neaten the house, plan
the birthday party, buy a gift for another child's,
baseball practice, soccer practice, CCD,
mow the lawn, pay bills, cook dinner. Sound familiar?

It's hard to find time for a Genuine Encounter
amongst all these things to do. I feel tired
just to writing down this litany of daily life.

How do you find time? You don't. But you can make
time. With your other list of to-do's, add "have
a genuine encounter". This will help you make time
in your day to connect with your child through a
genuine encounter.

What is a genuine encounter? It is togetherness
without thinking about anything else. It's truly
being with your child and connecting from the heart.

I'm reading Eckhart Tolle's book, "A New Earth."
In it, on page 104, under Conscious Parenting is
the following description, which I feel is a great
way to describe a genuine encounter:


"As you look at, listen to, touch, or help your child with this
or that, you are alert, still, completely present, not wanting
anything other than that moment as it is. In this way, you make
room for Being. In that moment, if you are present you are not a
father or a mother. You are alertness, stillness, the Presence
that is listening, looking, touching, even speaking. You are Being
behind the doing.

So, instead of thinking about where you need to get to or
what you need to do in the future that hastens this moment,
which results in impatience and frustration, stop and just
Be in the moment.

What does this look like? Let's say your kindergartener
can't find her shoes, coat, or backpack, and is thus
going to make your other 3 older kids late for school.
Instead of reacting out of frustration, impatience, and
anger knowing that everyone's going to be late, stop and
just be present. Don't react. Help your child figure out
where the items were left and help her gather them. Leave
the house peacefully. In the evening, have a conversation
with your child to figure out ways to help prevent the same
thing from happening again.

Try "Being" out for a day, a week, and even longer. What
I bet you'll notice is your child responds in kind. "Things"
start to run more smoothly.

You will feel connected to your child, your child will feel
connected to you, you aren't nagging and reminding, and your
child doesn't feel pushed, threatened, cajoled, agitated, and
mad. Instead, you'll achieve a kind of routine where drama is
minimized and ease maximized.

Try it out...

Getting In Step With Your Step Children

Getting in Step with Your Step Family
By Kathryn Kvols

Step parenting is no easy task. Often parents are plagued with feelings of guilt for divorcing and resentment or bitterness toward their ex-spouse. They may even feel rejected and lose their confidence for a time. Parenting is difficult in the midst of so much turmoil. And when a parent acts out of these negativefeelings, parenting becomes ineffective.

I know it may be hard to imagine, but stepparenting can create more meaning and a richer life. The children will have more parents and grandparents. . . and more holiday celebrations. You will have more support in the laborious task of parenting a child. . . and moretime for rejuvenation while your child visits your former spouse.

Developing a civil relationship with your former spouse andpeacefully blending a new family won't happen over night.However, here is a list of do's and don'ts that will point you in the right direction.

Don'ts:
- Don't try to find out information about your former spousethrough your children.
- Don't make your former spouse wrong or put her/him down in frontof your children. (Your children love you both.)
- Don't try to punish your former spouse through your children.
- Don't compare yourself to your former spouse.
- Don't compete or try to keep up with the absent, natural parent.
- Don't make excuses for a parent who is late or doesn't keepagreements. Instead, coach your child how to handle thesesituations with their parent.
- Don't try to compete with the "other" parents.
- Don't expect or demand that your stepchildren like you. It maytake years for you to establish a relationship with them. Tryingtoo hard to make them like you will only make matters worse.- Don't try to buy your stepchildren's affection and love throughpurchasing material things or by taking them on extravagant trips.

Do's:
- Learn to let go of past hurt, resentment, shame, blame, andguilt. Make amends where needed. If you are having trouble doingthis, get help from a counselor. Releasing hurt and blame could bethe most important thing you ever do to help yourself and yourfamily.
- Be supportive of your children's visitation unless you have avalid reason to believe your former spouse may harm your children.Don't make it an ordeal for him or her to be able to see theirchildren.
- Recognize that most stepchildren are jealous of the time that youspend with their parent. Allow your spouse and your stepchild tohave time alone without you. Release jealousy of this relationshipand find supportive people to lean on when you're having difficulty.
- Let the children's natural parent do most of the discipliningwith your stepchild until you have established a good relationshipwith your stepchild. Be supportive of your spouse. However, it isvery important that you do some things alone with your stepchild inorder to establish a trusting bond.
- Develop a strong parenting team. Discuss what values you want inyour family. Openly discuss discipline and come to agreement on howyou will discipline. (Taking a parenting class together ishelpful.) Once your children feel the unity between the two of you,they will test you less and there will be less stress in yourfamily. If the children continue to test, which they may, stoptrying to change them and learn to accept them unconditionally.
- Allow your child to openly discuss their feelings. Make it safefor them by listening without the intrusion of guilt ordefensiveness. Accept their feelings at face value without tryingto fix or minimize them.
- Put agreements in writing. Put your child's schedule of importantevents in writing and make sure that your former spouse has a copy.Miscommunication between you and your former spouse can createunnecessary conflict.
- Understand that it is only natural for a child to want hisnatural parents back together again. Try to accept this feelingrather than feeling threatened by it or trying to change thechild's mind.

Being a part of a blended family requires persistence, courage, and self-reflection. You are being asked to stretch beyond normal means to find a place in your heart to forgive, let go, and face manycomplicated family issues. Practicing the above tips and lavishingencouragement on all involved will help to make your new familydynamics a success.

Kathryn Kvols is the mother and stepmother of five children. She isthe author of the book "Redirecting Children's Behavior" and theaccompanying course. She is also the president and an internationalspeaker for the International Network for Children and Families.

What Are YOU Attracting?

More Peace - What are you attracting?

This Month's Issue: Another RCB instructor,Dumari Dancoes of "Children Lights" inNew Hampshire, has developed 5 easy steps using the Law of Attraction to affect parenting. I found this veryinsightful and want to share it with you.

Whether or not you believe in the Law of Attraction, manifesting, The Secret, allowing, or not, if you feel especiallychallenged as a parent right now I encourage you to try out these 5 simple steps every day for 1 week.
No matter what you call "it", or if youchoose to put a label on "it" at all, it'shard to deny that what you think,how you act, what you say, and how you say it will affect what comes yourway.

If you are generally positive in your actions, relationships, words and intentions, chances are whatcomes back to you is the same.

Likewise, if you are generally negative in your actions, relationships,words and intentions, chances are you are getting back negative vibes.

In parenting, Dumari explains this in the following example:

"Let's say you saw your children fighting.You got upset and frustrated (two negative emotions). You told them not todo it again and explained all the reasons fighting is not acceptable.(You focused on what you do NOT want.)
You warned them that if they foughtagain, they would have a time-out and would not play their favorite videogame for a week. (You set up anexpectation of what you do not want andtold your children about it.) Whenyour spouse got home, you told him/her how frustrated you are aboutall the fighting and how you can neverhave a peaceful moment in the house.(You dwell on the negative behaviorand affirm that you will never getwhat you desire).

Can you see how your focused attention on your children's undesired behavior is creating the perfect scenario for it to happen again?

Every relationship experience you have is caused by your thoughts, emotions and expectations. Therefore, to change your relationship experience with your children you must change your thoughts, emotions, andexpectations of your relationship with them.

To create real change, you cannot focus on what is. Real change comes when you put your attention on what you want until you feel good about it.

Next time you notice your child doing something you do not want, instead of focusing on what is "wrong," use the Law of Attraction to your advantage.

First, step back and take a deep breath, then you can try the following
"Parenting Through Your Heart" steps:

1. Identify What You Want

"What do I want? What do I believe I don't have now or that I want more of?
Sometimes it is easier to gain clarity about what you want by knowing what you do not want.

EXAMPLE: "I do not want fighting and arguing. I want the yelling to stop!"
EXAMPLE: "I want to feel better. I want to experience Peace in my home. I want LOVE, COMPASSION, RESPECT, AND COOPERATION. I want Harmony NOW"

2. Connect With Your Heart

Intend to respond from your heart in a calm and loving manner.

EXAMPLE: "I choose to connect with my heart now. I ACCEPT and LOVE MYSELF just as I am. I ACCEPT and LOVE my CHILD just as s/he is. I choose to make a heart connection with my child. I choose to communicate in a way that makes both of us feel respected and understood.I choose to see this as an OPPORTUNITY to help my children communicate to find win-win solutions.
WHAT WOULD LOVE DO/SAY in this situation? "

3. Believe What You Want is Already Yours

Believe you can have what you desire. Accept it as yours - allow it.

EXAMPLE: "I choose PEACE within myself and in my home. I intend to feel at Peace no matter what my external circumstances are. I accept Peace as my experience now. I choose LOVE. I intend to be LOVING even when those around me cannot choose it. I see LOVE all around me. I choose JOY. I intend to be JOYOUS even in the face of negativity. I now see JOY in my home. I choose COMPASSION. I intend to be compassionate no matter what. I AM Peace, therefore I experience Peace."

4. Express Gratitude, Joy and Love

Increase your positive vibration with gratitude and love.

EXAMPLE: "I am GRATEFUL that I now experience complete and total Peace in my home and with my family. JOY fills my heart. I feel so HAPPY that I now experience love in my heart and in my life. I see where I can express and share love and I do so easily now. I AM loving. I AM joyous. I AM grateful.

5. Communicate From Your Heart.

Express your needs/desires, feelings, and intentions to your children. Come up with a win-win solution for all involved.

EXAMPLE: Say to your children, "I intend a peaceful and loving family. I am so grateful for all the joy we have together in this house. It makes me sad when I see you fight. Would you be willing to speak kindly to each other and come up with a solution that works for both of you?

When your children feel your unconditional love and acceptance, it is easier for you to communicate your needs and for them to accept your desire for cooperation, harmony and boundaries."

It is helpful to go through the first four "Parenting Through Your Heart" steps above BEFORE the actual "fighting scenario"occurs. Set your intentions for your day first thing in the morning when you are feeling calm.This helps set the energy to attract what you desire and makes it easier to access the peaceful and joyful feelings when you need them."

I encourage you to try out these 5 steps for one week and see how it affects your relationship with your kids, as well as their relationship with each other. I'll be surprised if it doesn't have a positive affect on you and those around you!

Have a peaceful month!

Stacey

Helping you create peace with the kids you love and care for
Stacey Zawel
Your Sanity Coach
http://www.rcbsouthshore.com
mailto:Stacey@rcbsouthshore.com

Peace. It does not mean to be in a place where there is no noise, trouble or hard work.It means to be in the midst of those thingsand still be calm in your heart.(author unknown)

Homework Without Hassles

More Peace - August 7, 2007 - Homework Without Hassles

This Month's Issue: Since we are all thinking about the start of school (or trying not to) I thought thismight be a good time to help you get your kids on board with homework. You can work together to alleviate homework hassles before they start.

MORE PEACE - Homework Without Hassles


"Is your homework done?" Mom asks. "No, I want to playa little longer with Johnny." "Steven, you know you aresupposed to finish your homework before playing." Mom says sharply. "I know but I'm having fun and I don't have that much." Steven pleads. "I don't care how muchfun you are having. You need to come in and do yourhomework now!" Mom yells.

Sound familiar? Even if Steven does come in to do homework he's probably not feeling verycooperative or motivated. And, how do you think mom is feeling?
Often, we parents feel it is our job to be in charge of our child's homework. We want to know what the homework is, and make sure it's correct when done. We'll even deliver it right to school if forgotten. Instead of you adding homework to your burden of household duties, start the year by giving your child control.

Here's how:

1. Find ways to internally motivate your child.
* First, find out what your child's goals are. Whatdo they want to be. Help your child determine howshe can meet those goals.
* Second, ask her questions to figure out how to meet those goals.

1. How much time do you think you'll need to study each day?
2. What do you want your study space to look like?What conditions do you need to study most effectively?
3. What materials do you need?
4. What do you want the quality of your work tolook like?
5. How can I best help?
6. What method do you want to use to monitoryour daily/weekly progress?7.What planning assistance do you need? (i.e. calendar)
8. Where will you keep completed homework?

2. Teach time management. Help your childorganize projects with a planner: What projects need to be completed when.

3. Have your child determine his own consequences for the following situations:
* Forgetting homework
* Not sticking to study schedule
* Careless work
* How to get homework assignments when absent
* What should happen if a goal is not met

Have your child write all agreements,schedules and consequences. Be specificto eliminate any confusion and powerstruggles.

ENCOURAGE!

4. Make learning a family value. Establish a quiet time when everyone in the family is reading or doing something educational. Keep this time sacred, even if your child doesn't have homework.

5. Don't argue or bargain about homework time.Instead, simply state: "I understand. It'shomework time." Restate as often as needed.

6. Make yourself available for help
7. Don't do the homework for her.
8. Make it fun.
9. Make the teacher part of your success team
10. Make sure your child is getting enough sleep.
11. If your child does not want to study, ask

*"What is my child trying to communicate?"
*resist controlling parental attitudes
*not capable of work
*learning disability
*low self-esteem
*child's method of learning needs are not being met
*sibling competition

Your Assignment This Week: Make a plan to talk to your school-age childabout her goals and study needs. Make sureshe has everything in place when school starts.

"By Stacey Zawel and Redirecting Children's Behaviorof the South Shore. Visit www.rcbsouthshore.com for additional articles and resources on parenting, care giving, and creating more peace."

What? No Threats, Bribes, Rewards, or Punishment?

July 2, 2007

Simply put, the problem with the Feared Four, TBRP, is:

*Threats and Punishment disrupt your relationship with your child, and don't consistently work to get the results you want.

*Bribes for Rewards set up your child to live in a "What's in it for me?" world, always looking for external motivation. And the stakes just get higher for you to gain cooperation. Punishment, rewards, bribes, and threats belong in an autocratic parenting system and culture. In such a system the parents dole out rewards and punishment according to what is deserved, and the children look forward to being adults to also have this powerful role.

Today, kids have "equal" status, want "equal" status, and demand "equal" status. We parents don't have the "power" we used to have in prior generations, and are not recognized as superior. Thus, use of punishment and reward with our children is futile.

As Dr. Rudolf Dreikurs notes in his book Children, the Challenge, "When we bribe our child for good behavior, we are in effect showing him that we do not trust him, which is a form of discouragement." He goes on to say that "A reward does not give a child a sense of belonging...Satisfaction comes from a sense of contribution and participation. In our mistaken efforts to win cooperation through rewards, we are actually denying our children the basic satisfactions of living."

So, if the Feared Four ARE your complete arsenal right now, don't panic. Below are alternatives you can start using instead.

Through the use of Natural and Logical Consequences you can create a more peaceful household, and help your children become internally motivated, cooperative, and responsible. They will feel a greater sense of belonging and contribution and have less need to misbehave.

Eight-year-old Mary was late to school almost everyday. Mom would coax her through her morning routine from waking her up to getting her out the door. Mornings have been a hassle for Mom since Mary started kindergarten.

What can Mom do with natural and logical consequences?

*First*, with Mary, make a To Do List that Mary can follow to remind her what needs to be done each morning before school. Tell Mary that it will now be her responsibility to get through her list each morning and to let Mom know if she needs help. Mom will be doing her own list.

*Second*, buy Mary her own alarm clock. [Remember, don't coax Mary out of bed after the alarm goes off.This is now her job, not yours. This will be hard so make yourself busy with your own list and it will become easier for you to let the consequences do the teaching.]

*Third*, show Mary what time she needs to get out the door to be on time for school.

*Fourth*, let the system work. Let Mary dawdle, forget her homework, and her lunch, and be late. [This isn't easy because we don't want to be disgraced. And, we want to protect our kids from the embarrassment of being late,and forgetting homework. We most certainly don't want them to miss a meal...not even one! Resist the urge to remind and let them take responsibility for themselves.]

*Fifth*, if after a few days there seems to be no effect, write a note to the teacher enlisting her help.

What is the Natural Consequence of Mary forgetting her homework? She may get a zero, she may have to stay in from recess and do the homework, she may be embarrassed. One of these will probably work to remind Mary to put her homework in her backpack each morning. If not, you may need to use Logical Consequences.

What is the Natural Consequence of Mary being late for school? If a bus is involved, she will have to walk - even if it's far away. If you feel it's unsafe you may drive her to school and use the logical consequence that she can do chores for you after school for the amount of time it takes to go back and forth to school.

Alternatively, you could use the logical consequence that Mary stay home and do chores all day. She won't be late for very many days with this consequence! I have set up a system in my house, through making an agreement, that for every minute I'm waiting in the car they do my chores for 5 minutes after school. I take a book or newspaper out to the car when it's time to go and wait. The first day they spent about 1 1/2 hours after school cleaning. Now it's usually nil.

When using a logical consequence make sure there isn't a trace of punishment...punishment and logical consequences may sometimes seem similar, but the intention is completely different and thus changes the tone. For example, the intention behind punishment might be to get control, and the intention behind a consequence is to teach.

When Mary is late, say in a firm and kind manner,"I will take you to school, and ask that you do chores after school for the amount of time it takes from my day." Mary may complain and rebel. That's ok. Don't react, just be firm and kind. Resist the temptation to say, "If you could just be on time you wouldn't be in this predicament. But, sinceyou can't ever remember I think I'm going to have a very clean house."

Often children misbehave to get us to spend time with them. They are trying to get our attention. Consequences work very well when this is the case.

Eleven-year-old Jordan was always fighting with his six-year-old sister, Haley. Mom punishesJ ordan, "You won't be watching TV for the rest of the day!" And, Mom rescues Haley, "Are you ok? Did Jordan hurt you?"

Jordan is probably trying to get Mom's attention. And, Haley may well have a larger role in their fighting than Mom imagines. Logical consequences work great here. Instead of punishing Jordan and rescuing Haley, Mom can use consequences.

Mom sits down with Jordan and Haley to discuss their behavior. She starts by saying,"I don't want to live in a house where people use force to get their way. I want to live in a peaceful house where people don't hurt eachother." "What I'd like to do is come up with a solution to your fighting. Can you guys help?"

Mom and kids create a list of solutions. Each crosses out the ones they don't like and from the remaining create a solution. They decide on words to use instead of fight like, "Are you done with that? Can I use it now?" or "Can we play with that together?" or "Let's get the timer and set it for 5 minutes. Then we each get a turn."

The key is to let your kids come up with the solution. This, over time, will dissipate their need to misbehave and probably reveal the underlying goal...perhaps Jordan really does want and need more of Mom's attention but isn't able to find a way to ask for it, so he acts out.

At the same time you come up with this solution, agree to a consequence if either FORGETS to use the agreed-upon solution. For example, Jordan and Haley agree to do a make-up and tell one another 2 things they love about each other.
If they are having a hard time coming up with words, it can be very helpful to role play. We use these awesome jungle animal puppets in our house. My kids LOVE the role play and usually end up laughing hysterically when I pretend to be the "whining and crying child." As much fun as we have, they get a very clear idea of the words to use and what it feels like to be on the receiving end of these words...they can tell which are most effective and why.

Your Assignment This Week: First, stop remembering and doing for your child what she can do for herself. Write down a list of 10 things you DO for your child. Pick one of these to stop doing for the week. Give the responsibility to your child. Second, Practice natural and logical consequences. Let the consequences do the teaching and feel the peacefulness start to seep in.


"By Stacey Zawel and Redirecting Children's Behaviorof the South Shore. Visit www.rcbsouthshore.com for additional articles and resources on parenting, care giving, and creating more peace."